It was late in the evening when my phone buzzed with yet another request ( and that had become a norm ) Avinash needed help completing a project—once again. Reluctantly, ( and yet automatically) I typed, “Sure Avi, I’ll take care of it.” But as I pressed send, a wave of frustration hit me. Why couldn’t I just say no?
Sounds familiar? You’re not alone. Many of us grapple with the inability to say no, often driven by unconscious fear of rejection, fear of missing out, an unmet need for approval, or to keep away the pain of guilt. And so we cope with this by saying yes. Unaware of the humongous hidden cost—the draining of your energy, diversion of your focus, and deviation from what truly matters.
As a holistic therapist and a boundary setting expert, in this article I will delve into the root causes behind the fear of saying no and share practical strategies to break free from this dysfunctional habit.
The Psychological Barriers to Saying No
As a former people-pleaser, here is what I discovered were my unconscious barriers to stand up for what I wanted in my work and personal relationships.
Fear of rejection: I worried that saying no would make me appear selfish or unkind. What if people judged me or excluded me? What if I am perceived to be rude and inaccessible?
Need for approval: I sought validation from others. Their gratitude temporarily boosted my self-worth. I craved recognition that I am good enough. I am beautiful. I am generous and smart.
Guilt and obligation: I felt responsible for others’ happiness, even when fulfilling their requests came at my expense. I felt that if my parents are unhappy about my choices then I have caused them grave harm. I am obliged to make them happy. If they are not happy then it’s my fault.
Now which among these sounds,look and feel familiar to you. Recongnising these barriers is the first step towards healing and liberation.
Here’s what research has to say,
Social conditioning plays a significant role in why people hesitate to say no. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology highlights that individuals are often influenced by a desire to avoid interpersonal conflict and maintain harmony.
For example, a friend might ask you to join them in organizing an event, even though your schedule is already packed. Despite feeling overwhelmed, you agree, fearing that saying no might upset them or damage the relationship.
Additionally, neuroscientific studies reveal that people-pleasing behaviors activate the brain’s reward system, making it psychologically reinforcing to say yes even when it feels wrong.
The Hidden Cost I was Paying ( and probably you are paying it today )
You can use this as checklist to find out the damage done to your mind and body
As I continued to reflect, I realized how frequently saying yes was harming my well-being:
- Burnout: I often felt physically and emotionally drained, unable to recharge because I was constantly prioritizing others.
- Strained relationships: Ironically, my over-commitment led to resentment, eroding trust and authenticity in my interactions. I was getting irritable with the people who truly mattered to me. I wasn’t able to stand up to my commitments with them.
- Missed personal goals: By saying yes to others, I was inadvertently saying no to my ambitions, passions, and even basic self-care. This caused tremendous strain on my mind, body and self esteem. I kept settling for less.
Interestingly The Harvard Business Review reports that overcommitting leads to chronic stress, which can negatively impact mental clarity and decision-making. Additionally, consistently prioritizing others’ needs over your own can lead to what psychologists term “emotional leakage,” where unresolved frustrations spill into personal and professional relationships.
So here is your next step towards healing, decide whether the cost you are paying is worth it. Take a moment and look back at how you have been robbing yourself from life.
The Day I Said Enough
As Tony Robbins says you change when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of change.
My turning point came one evening when I missed Emily’s 2nd birthday ( My daughter) because I had taken up a training project out of fear of rejection. That evening when I saw my little girl beautifully dressed and without me, my heart sank and I realized what a blunder I had made. I was never going to get back that moment. I questioned, ‘why I was sacrificing what mattered most for obligations that weren’t truly mine.’
And so began my long walk to freedom – my journey towards healing and boundary setting. I will keep my story for another article. But here let me share my breakthrough milestones which will enable you to begin your healing
1.I asked myself why I found it so hard to say no. I realized my fears stemmed from wanting to be liked and avoid conflict. Understanding these fears helped me start addressing them head-on.
2. I began with small, low-stakes situations. For example, when someone invited me to an event I wasn’t interested in, I simply replied, “Thank you, but I can’t make it.” Over time, my confidence grew.
3.Setting boundaries required clarity about my own limits. I stopped over explaining and instead used straightforward responses like, “I’m not available for that right now.” Surprisingly, people respected my honesty.
4. I reframed my perspective: saying no wasn’t selfish; it was an act of self-care. I reminded myself that I wasn’t rejecting people—I was simply prioritizing what was feasible and meaningful.
Although these are just 4 of my many milestones. Let me share a disclaimer. These breakthroughs did not happen easily, quickly or without the help of others.
I committed to being mentored by the world’s topmost boundary professional. I joined international masterminds. I invested in being life-coached. I became accountable to a community of amazing people. I suffered many setbacks. Loss of friends and being cold shouldered by some of my relatives. However I am happy to declare today that I did not suffer in isolation. I had the warm support of my tribe, my mentor and my coach. And this is what I want to highlight. “You don’t heal in isolation. You heal in a tribe”
Now here’s the question for you. Do you commit today to begin the process of healing by being open to seek help? You can connect with me here (link for appointment)
Let me tell you that once I embraced the power of no, everything began to shift. I felt more in control of my time and energy. Relationships improved as I became more present and authentic. Most importantly, I rediscovered the joy of pursuing my own passions without the weight of constant obligations.
Breaking the cycle of overcommitting is a journey, but it’s one worth taking. Saying no allows you to reclaim your power and live in alignment with your values.
What’s one situation where you wish you had said no? Share your story in the comments—it’s the first step toward change. Remember, your time and well-being are worth it.
Say no to fear, and yes to the life you deserve.
